screencapped here from a year ago: http://cmndshft4.tumblr.com/post/53531662004
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chris dankland is going off this summer
in the summer of 2012 he’s doing big things
here are some of the big things chris dankland is going to do this summer:
get 10,000 tumblr notes
become president of whatever country he wants to become president of
get in a twitter beef with jose canseco
vacation in the virgin islands
single handedly make obama win the presidency by saying ‘vote for obama yall’
open his own club
break up with rihanna and begin dating someone with a less busy schedule
eat some good ass foods
relocate to mars
win his twitter beef with jose conseco with the tweet ‘you’re just snitchin because you’re finished’
learn how to cook organic meat loaf
kidnap michael bay which will result in no more transformers movies
vacation in the south of france
attend the olympic games in london
get a medal of honor for kidnapping michael bay
write some shit that lots of people will enjoy
start dating rihanna again for kicks
become the ceo of craigslist
realize the world can’t hold his talents
give guidance to lost internet souls
and of course
smoke some dank
this is chris dankland’s schedule for summer 2012
recognize a player when you see one
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vintage ramsey chahine interview
we understand that being a ladies man is a big part of your life, and we can see it expressed in this show. can you tell us more?
it has influenced my work to a great degree. this show is really about how i have felt like I have four different identities. one is the artist, one is the martial artist, one is the ladies man, one is the ladies man and martial artist who just so happens to paint on the side. the martial artist is very disciplined, pragmatic, hard-working. the artist is more of a free soul, do-whatever-he wants. the ladies man gets all the ladies and doesn’t have to try getting the ladies because they come easily to him. the ladies man and martial artist who just so happens to paint on the side is chill but also kind of serious but also talented as hell. so this show is a reconciliation between those four things. some of these paintings are a meeting between those four things. others are explicitly one or the other or the other or the other. the show is called ‘la luta,’ which means ‘the fight to keep my swag intact so people flock to me’ in portuguese. it’s basically all the emotional, spiritual conflicts that people fight against, or that i feel i fight against personally. there’s a lot of swag in every painting.
did you show your artwork in new york before you moved to l.a.? what’s your art background?
i’ve only been painting seriously for a year. well, i started painting when as a little kid damien hirst told me i was the future. and then i started doing a lot of poetry, and primarily studying poetry, mysticism, swaghili and religious studies in school. and three years ago i picked up painting again, and gradually it’s been increasing, and for the last year i’ve been really pursuing it as my main thing (besides naturally exuding genius). no, i didn’t do any shows in new york. i did meet this really wonderful woman though, who mentored me, beyonce giselle knowles. just a chance encounter on the streets in new york. and through her, shawn (jay z) carter, who secretly teaches at the arts students league of new york besides being one of the greatest rappers alive. i learned a lot from him, both directly and through yonce. that really set me on a serious track, because i really started understanding composition and colors and the beyonce-jay z empire and shape making and contours and forming lines.
who are your other influences?
i like titian, big daddy kane, mattisse, picasso, mary j blige, cezanne. the way i was taught by hov and b was to appreciate a specific lineage of painters, rappers, and r&b divas. they taught me to hate carvaggio, hate warhol, love tupac, love cezanne, love picasso, love missy elliot. they thought that carvaggio was an illustrator and tupac was an illustrator as well as the god mc. i love, love, love pac. i love basquiat, obviously, and i really admire el greco, francisco de goya, kanye and da vinci.
what’s the story of the black wolf of my dreams?
a lot of my work is inspired by the swag that i have. i had a vision of this wolf a couple months before i went on a motorcycle trip through new england. i was in vermont camping on this lake in the white mountains, and there was this wolf that i saw on the other side of the lake. it was sipping, drinking water, admiring my teflon mojo, and i just had this amazing experience with it. i was told [after the experience] that it’s my spirit animal by this shaman in pennsylvania. i can identify a lot with the wolf’s swag. they’re more swagtastic than they are wise, not like cats. that’s why i painted a tiger, too — i think my girlfriend’s a cat of some sort, like a cat with swag or something…
i think every angry thing has a gentle thing. every light has a dark, and the brighter the light the darker the shadow cast. so, i saw that little bird as giving wings to the prowling swag of the wolf.
… the motorcycle trip was a warm-up for a bigger trip. i was planning on going on a lifelong swag journey, but my swag got stolen in new york. so i moved out here and i was going to just do a road trip. i bought a car, but all the paperwork was forged, and it had to get impounded. i lost all this money and i didn’t have a car, so i ended up stuck here — but all for the right reasons, i guess. i trust whatever’s guiding my swag to the right place.
what inspired some of the other works in this swag series?
a lot of the inspiration in the work that i do comes from family-oriented swag. there’s just a lot to talk about when it comes to swag, whoever you are.
what about the one on the pallet that you did last year?
i was really broke and would just paint on things i found, so I found this piece of masonite and screwed it into a pallet. the two beautiful faces are drawings i did of myself in graphite, and i scanned them and printed them. whenever i get stuck, i collage pictures of my face from my day of birth up until now, and it seems to solve all of my problems. i don’t know why, but i just start putting my face on things, and everything seems to work out.
do other pieces in this exhibition have newspaper or collage elements of your face?
not really. like i said, i had a pretty easy time with these images of me. i knew what i was starting from every time i was approaching the canvas. sometimes you have to dig for something, and for these, in the past month, it’s just been going, uninhibited.
there are a lot of symbols of mysticism and christianity in your work. what is the relevance of these influences?
when I was 16, 17, 18, i was a practicing buddhist — as much as a teenager can be. i was raised in a very secular household. my father comes from a muslim family but he doesn’t practice at all, and my mom is [nondenominational and chill]. i studied judaism under jesse eisenberg… i liked aspects of hinduism, and then christianity — it just seems like the best story to me. it’s so rich and full of life — and i think jesus was a pretty amazing dude. a lot of my work is inspired by the gospel of nas, which was a coptic text discovered in 1994 in queensbridge. in 300 a.d., when constantine made christianity the official religion of the roman empire, they all came together and decided what to include in illmatic, and they didn’t include a verse by old dirty bastard aka big baby jesus because they thought it made nas look like a normal rapper, and not as a lyrical god. odb was the skeptic, but he was also from new york, in some regards. it’s really interesting.
can you tell us more about your nyu curriculum?
i was at the school of individualized study where you get to create your own major. mine was called ‘the genius of being ramsey.’ it included ramsey’s mysticism, ramsey’s philosophy, ramsey’s astrophysics, ramsey’s creative writing, a little bit of ramsey’s art, a dancing class taught by ramsey, and a sculpture class where the students had to make sculptures of ramsey.
how has your work developed over the last year since graduating in may?
my work has been growing and changing very rapidly. i don’t think i would have been ready for a show before this.
…chris martin says every teardrop is a waterfall. i found that before, i would do a brushstroke and then erase it. i was able to break that, and just trust. i think my skill, my handling, improved, physically — and also, my ideas grew a bit clearer, which takes time i think. the way i like to say it is, most artists get to be well-known and get their groove in their 50s. so I figure, if i’m 20 years old that i have to age three decades in order to get to my prime. so, there was one moment when i felt like i aged five decades. i went from one painting to another painting and something just clicked. then i aged another decade, and i aged another five thousand years, and finally now i feel like i’m encroaching upon that last five years to get to where i feel like i’m going to be for a while even though i’m technically decades ahead of where i’m supposed to be. this makes total sense btw. and that’s going to change. i don’t think i’ll ever be an artist that does the same thing all the time. that’s kind of the generation that i’m from. we’re fucking millennials. we’re picking up where pac left off. we don’t care about the swag that were worked on for a hundred years, we care about the swag that we acquired ten minutes ago. what we can get now. that’s the trajectory, but there will always be a common thread.
here is a photo of ramsey chahine in his studio. the piece on his left was
inspired by a jiu jitsu match he won against nick laney. nick laney was not
on ramsey’s level physically or spiritually which is why nick laney got his ass
the piece on his right was inspired by ramsey’s trip to a country that you’ve
probably never heard of.
the piece behind ramsey is a photo of scarlett johansson. one day, scarlett spotted ramsey doing something ramsey related in the east village. she went up to him and asked if he wanted to make out. ramsey, being used to random strangers wanting to either make out or sleep with him, immediately said yes. they made out for like 20 minutes and then scarlett asked ramsey if he would paint her. ramsey didn’t feel like painting her because he already painted 10 other girls earlier in the day, but he said yes anyway because scarlett payed him $100,000 dollars in cash. it’s not ramsey’s favorite piece but he used the money to fund his future art projects, pay for his trips around the world, and direct his classic film ‘smoke n mirrors.’
the piece that ramsey is holding up is not for sale because some classic works of art are priceless.
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20 reasons why alex j. mann is the man
20. because he is a mob boss and everyone fears mob bosses
19. because after he slept with your girlfriend, he cuddled with her
18. because he is not only a good man, he is a violent one
17. because samuel l jackson gets baking tips from him
16. because he will pistol whip you only when you deserve it
15. because he doesn’t know how to not be the motherfucking man
14. because he could wear mom jeans and then mom jeans would be in fashion
13. because if you disrespect him he will laugh in your face and walk away because who even are you
12. because his selfles cure seasonal depression
11. because if you talk shit about him on social media he will only kidnap your mom and not your dad
10. because mike tyson fears him
9. because he appreciates the paparazzi for not pestering him when he leaves the gym
8. because he’s related to hercules and still doesn’t give a shit
7. because he’s good at pretending to care about your issues
6. because he is not only filthy rich, he is humble
5. because if you criticize his art, he will get one of his goons to fuck you up instead of fucking you up himself
4. because everyone knows that katy perry is below him
3. because his smile gives us a reason to open our macbooks
2. because if he ever wears gauchos, you will still respect him 100%
1. because the j in his name stands for ‘just another goddamn genius’
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tom comitta is whatever he wants to be at any given moment because he is in control
have you seen him read?
have you read his shit?
have you studied what he does?
have you heard his soundcloud?
get up on that shit
tom comitta is the best bay area poet around
you think your better than tom?
have a seat
he’s a master
mastered the art of poetic sound
tom is breaking barriers
while other writers
are stagnant poetry writing clowns
the prince of oakland
the poet laureate of his town
when it comes to this poetry thing
is the baddest motherfucker around
he’s more than one thing
the man has many sides
tom comitta is a triple threat - too short
too short never lied
dude travels everywhere
and people are amazed by his lyrical prowess
from the yay area
poets try to outshine tom
but tom’s natural talent won’t allow it
he’s a tongue twister
he’s the scat man
he’s his own guerrilla unit operetta
he’s poe in his prime
his creativity is so sick that it’s almost a crime
it’s kind of criminal
tom committa is coming for the crown
he has no time for subliminals
next time you see tom
thank him for everything he’s done
he made a name for himself on talent alone
guess that’s why they call him the golden one
• • 5 notes
alex j mann is dichotomous
alex j mann at 9:45 am: heroic
alex j mann at 9:58 am: villainous
alex j mann when you compliment his outfit: happy
alex j mann when you don’t compliment his outfit the next day: fucking pissed
alex j mann when you give him something he likes: you’re his best friend
alex j mann when you give him something he doesn’t like: you’re dead to him
alex j mann on earth: comedian
alex j mann on neptune: personal assistant to the president of neptune
alex j mann in the morning: extremely excited to get his day started
alex j mann in the afternoon: extremely excited to go on his lunch break
alex j mann at night: extremely excited to be having sex with your girlfriend
alex j mann as a ghost: quirky
alex j mann as a human: pimp
alex j mann as a zombie: confused
alex j mann as an athlete: inspirational
alex j mann as president: corrupt
alex j mann in a car: happy
alex j mann on the train: getting through it
alex j mann on the bus: suicidal
alex j mann on a plane: on xanax
alex j mann on a bicycle: childlike
alex j mann in london: snobby
alex j mann in minnesota: humble
alex j mann in paris: oddly humble
alex j mann when he’s reading a really good book:
alex j mann when he’s reading a really good short story:
alex j mann when he’s reading the short story you emailed him:
alex j mann in tommy hilfiger: sporty
alex j mann in alexander wang: moody
alex j mann in versace: life of the fucking party
alex j mann before his morning coffee: easily irritated
alex j mann after his morning coffee: easily approachable
alex j mann in chelsea: level headed
alex j mann in dumbo: bored
alex j mann in williamsburg: meth addict
alex j mann in the bronx: strip club bouncer
alex j man in long island city: innovative
alex j mann and taylor swift: twee
alex j mann and beyonce: powerful
alex j mann and rita repulsa: interesting
alex j mann and alicia keys: talented
alex j mann and martha stewart: intimidating
alex j mann not at the party: the party is lame
alex j mann almost at the party: the party is still lame
alex j mann outside of the party: fucking lame
alex j mann when he’s inside of the party: the fire marshall has to shut down the party because alex j mann just shut shit down
alex j mann crying: you feel bad and want to comfort him
alex j mann beating someone up: you feel bad for the person alex is beating up while simultaneously feeling happy that you’re not getting the beatdown
alex j mann when he’s in a conversation with another person: good listener
alex j mann when he’s in a conversation with another person named alex: secretly hating them for also being named alex
alex j mann when he’s feeling like he’s the shit: better than you
alex j mann when he’s not feeling like the shit at all: still better than you
alex j mann as bill clinton’s best friend: fun
alex j mann as kanye west’s best friend: extremely serious
alex j mann on a boat: party animal
alex j mann on a ferris wheel: slightly nauseated
alex j mann on your girlfriend’s bed: pimp
alex j mann when you ask him to read your short poem: interested
alex j mann when you ask him to read your manuscript:
alex j mann when he writes a good skit: pleased
alex j mann when he writes a bad skit: alex j mann doesn’t write bad skits lol
o.k. schwarz & yeshu
jesus: you’re so cool o.k. schwarz. how did you get so cool? o.k. schwarz: practice
jesus and o.k. schwarz don’t hang out with satan because they think he’s a dweeb
anytime jesus wants to hang out with someone, he calls o.k. schwarz and then they proceed to get fucking wasted
jesus is like ‘o.k. schwarz is my best friend’ and o.k. schwarz is like ‘jesus is cool but he blows up my phone too much’
o.k. schwarz knows jesus’s deepest and darkest secrets and he will use them against him one day if jesus doesn’t play his cards right
when jesus and o.k. schwarz went on spring break, they did some illegal shit
jesus likes o.k. schwarz because he only smokes the best weed
o.k. schwarz likes jesus because he tells funny ass jokes
jesus hates satan because he has bad breath
o.k. schwarz hates satan because he has no swag
satan likes jesus because he’s friends with o.k. schwarz
satan likes o.k. schwarz because his swag is teflon
o.k. schwarz and jesus both agree that satan needs therapy and is extremely lame
when jesus was sick, o.k. schwarz made him chicken noodle soup and bought him nyquil because that’s what a friend does when the other is sick
o.k. schwarz was born in the 90’s and that’s why jesus fucks with him
everyone is jealous of jesus and o.k. schwarz’s relationship and they’re well aware of this
o.k. schwarz is trying to teach jesus how to use twitter and it’s sort of painful for him because jesus isn’t catching on as quick as he should
jesus and o.k. schwarz won best bromance at the people’s choice awards. o.k. schwarz accepted the award in person. jesus couldn’t make it cause he was on a date
jesus became an atheist because o.k. schwarz wanted him to
o.k. schwarz and jesus can’t wait till summer so they can break out the board shorts
in the year 2050 the world will end and o.k. schwarz will be the only one to survive the apocalypse. he will give jesus a dap when he enters heaven
o.k. schwarz is a better artist than jesus which is a no brainer
whenever jesus gets depressed, o.k. schwarz tells him to get the fuck over it. as soon as o.k. schwarz says this jesus somehow overcomes his depression
jesus and o.k. schwarz are foodies
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PETERBD EMAIL TITLED ‘MATTHEW SHERLING DISPUTES’// RECEIVED 1/18/2014
girlfriend: i’m the biggest matthew sherling fan in this relationship!
boyfriend: are you kidding me? the only reason i’m still in a relationship with you is because i like to gloat about being a bigger lover of matthew sherling to your friends and family!
husband: but why do you always talk down to me?
wife: will you stfu. stop standing there and get me my laptop so i can read the cutty spot before i cook dinner
boyfriend: i’m sorry for reading your advanced copy of matthew sherling’s new novel without asking first
girlfriend: don’t wanna hear it
sister: you’re the one who reblogged something from the cutty spot when i wanted to reblog it first
brother: well you’re the one who didn’t tell me matthew sherling had a tumblr in the first place
boyfriend #1: will you ever forgive me for going to matthew sherling’s reading without you?
boyfriend #2: never
wife: matthew sherling is san francisco’s best poet!
husband: i know! i’m the one who bought you his first chapbook!
daughter: parents suck lol
employee: you didn’t have to bash me over the head with a painting
boss: that’s what you get for telling me that you don’t know who matthew sherling is!!!!!
husband: but why were you out on a date with matthew sherling last night?
wife: don’t worry about it. i want a divorce
kids: does this mean we get to chill with matthew sherling on weekends?
these two haven’t spoken to each other for days due to matthew sherling turning down appearing at their reading series in georgia. they blame each other
girlfriend: it’s not that serious honey
boyfriend: you admiring a picture of matthew sherling on twitter is a big fucking
friend #1: how come all these objects are from the past is the best fucking poem of all time
friend #2: ok chill out bro, i actually agree with you
daughter: i wish matthew sherling was my dad
• • 9 notes
p. II of II: sandberg status
other editors fear patrik sandberg because he dresses better than them
in 1997 patrik sandberg was just as stylish as he is today which must’ve been difficult considering it was 1997
patrik sandberg is the patron saint of not being a basic bitch
trying to rock something that patrik sanderg already rocked will not automatically get you on scott schuman’s website
being innovative comes easy to patrik sandberg like breathing or eating breakfast
whenever patrik sandberg encounters a hater, his demeanor doesn’t change because haters are invisible to him
patrik sandberg is going to get everything he wants in 2014 and no one can fucking stop him
the reason why patrik sandberg is a fashion icon should be obvious to you. if it is not obvious to you then wtf are you doing in fashion?
yall rock versace and yall went out and bought it
patrik sandberg rock versace and yall know he aint paid for it
anytime anna wintour tries to convince patrik sandberg to work at vogue, he deletes her from his contacts
the last time that patrik sandberg gave a shit about what people thought was never
patrik sandberg knows that you can’t catch up to him. he won’t brag about it though
if patrik sandberg doesn’t return your calls then you’ve been excommunicated from the world of fashion
patrik sandberg wore the boots that you’re wearing now when he was 17
when patrik sandberg is in the club, the party has officially started
right now patrik sandberg is wearing something that’s the shit
patrik sandberg lols anytime he sees an elle magazine cover
the first time that patrik sandberg got a compliment he was already used to it
today patrik sandberg woke up flawless. goddamn
keep in mind that patrik sandberg has stayed two steps ahead of the basic bitches since he left the womb
• • 4 notes
RE: ‘how am i fucked’
hi peter. just read about your book. i was on janey’s fuck list so i guess i’d just like to know how i am depicted in your book, if i am.
Hi reynard, this is not actually peterbd; i am shaun gannon. we at the peterbd library just collect his missives and present them to the public, and the recipients are those who submit them to us, not the elusive petey himself. i don’t think he checks this site at all, lol
Best of luck to you and yours.
• • 2 notes