February 2012
1 post
who said it: elaine sun or mariah carey
this is a quiz. elaine sun or mariah carey said these things. choose your answers wisely. elaine and mariah have more in common than you would think. answers at the bottom. please take quiz first. this quiz is not multiple choice 1. “my mother is irish, my father is black and venezuelan, and me? i’m tan, i guess” 2. “sigh urself to sleep” 3. “hotass...
January 2012
1 post
1 tag
“oh how we get driven insane when we want other motherfuckers to understand”
– Peterbd (via basquecuisine)
December 2011
5 posts
"andrew in many ways"
happy andrew (ex: i’m so fucking happy right now) sad andrew (ex: i’m so fucking sad right now) happy-ish andrew (ex: i’m happy right now, i guess) tired andrew (ex: i’m going to sleep you guys) hyper andrew (ex: you guys, my energy level is through the roof) scared andrew (ex: that movie frightened me) confused andrew (ex: this question is confusing to me) paranoid andrew...
"don't know what to call this"
i attended the book thug nation reading i was very bored before the reading occurred you were the first to read you had on a greenish bluish flannel i think you looked tall you seemed a little nervous at first thought this was cool i’m always nervous when it comes to standing in front of strangers you started reading i can’t really remember the 1st thing you read sorry it was really...
The Hundred Days of Litmas by peterbd
on the hundredth day of litmas my true love gave to me: tom fletcher (sans highlights) ninety-nine blessings from our lord and savior matthew baker thompson christopher kelly’s stocking stuffers rachel hyman’s grace timothy sanders hella drunk a non-loquacious daniel coffeen a danceoff with stephanie georgopulos and robert kloss dan bailey dressed as santa claus sean lovelace’s...
1 tag
buon compleanno by peterbd
Hail to the best thing on the motherfucking internet An incredible place of entertaining poetics and fiction, while Punk ass detractors continue to settle for less People enjoy it because it refuses to post bad content Yours truly is inspired by its presence 3 years running the internet game. aint that something? Raking in millions and inspiring generations are its only intent Do, visit it no...
November 2011
6 posts
dan bailey: an average man by peterbd
dan bailey does average guy things such as cleaning his house and murdering terrorists
an average day for dan bailey includes brushing his teeth and making love to cartoons i once witnessed dan bailey on one of his average days. it was so average and boring he was engaging in activities such as reading novels in the park and burning caucasian toddlers with cigarettes i know you guys....
2 tags
the divine prose of m.t.s chopped and screwed...
explode me someone plz thanks someone call the coroners cause m.t.s done murdered another stanza the stanza begged plz but my man killed it in a serious ass way too calm to explode but still a supreme indie lit gangsta. and another thing, he doesn’t like stupid inquiries. ok. he’s too busy countin stacks i once asked the god if i’d ever be as great as him then he proceeded to...
3 emails
PART I
it’s 8 am: kill someone it’s 9 am: tell the police it’s 10 am: kill the police it’s 11 am: go see a silent film it’s 12 pm: stop and smell the roses it’s 1 pm: kill a slice of pizza it’s 2 pm: do jumping jacks it’s 3 pm: write it’s 4 pm: do whatever it’s 5 pm: youtube it’s 6 pm: smoke...
everything peterbd and mike a. young would have...
ride the charm city circulator and wish it went to cooler places attend whartscape while feeling uber relevant while also feeling a sense of pride in our avant garde pop music tastes wonder aloud why the mta light rail smells like a nursing home visit the wind up space and pretend to be interested in whatever music is being played at the wind up space eat blue crabs in fell’s point and...
spencer madsen seems like these things
spencer madsen seems like he appreciates moments of solitude
spencer maden seems important
spencer madsen seems like he uses ‘existential’ in a sentence at least twice daily
spencer madsen seems intelligent
spencer madsen seems alittle worried
spencer seems like he’d talk to you in a cab about something important
spencer madsen seems decent enough
spencer madsen seems...
when james duncan is sad
when james duncan is sad life isn’t really worth living
when james duncan is sad i am sad
when james duncan is sad it is your obligation to be sad as well
when james duncan is sad a baby hippopotamus contracts animal papillomavirus when james duncan is sad crazy stuff goes down
when james duncan is sad what’s the point of getting out of bed in the morning?
like seriously,...
October 2011
14 posts
matthew baker thompson: peter bd says i am his god... →
mbt:
mbt should be your god
——————————— mbt is a giving god mbt is a willing god mbt is a strong god mbt is not a paranoid schizophrenic god (can’t really vouch for this one though) mbt is a fun god mbt is a tidy god mbt is an empathetic god mbt is the type of god who’d roll you a…
1 tag
My first email from peterbd and my response
peterbd said:
it’s 3am. i wonder what russ is doing…. russ is probably like smoking weed right now or sleeping it’s 3am. i wonder what russ is doing…. russ is probably reading something about the whereabouts of geena davis it’s 3am. i wonder what russ is doing…. russ is probably laying his pimp and strong or somethin like that it’s 3am. i wonder what...
chat with a lesser duncan
6:32 PM
me: i’m cutting all ties from you
tim.duncan: why?
6:33 PM
me: because you’ve been replaced by james duncan
tim.duncan: dAmn
6:34 PM
me: yea, it was bound to happen eventually. he’s just an all around better person
and most importantly more relevant
6:35 PM
tim.duncan: but i’m at the top of my game. i’m a multimillionaire and an awesome...
r.c. in spectacles vs r.c. not in spectacles by...
in spectacles: a super hero not in spectacles: a hero sans the super in spectacles: uber intelligent not in spectacles: intelligent (kind of) in spectacles: a worldly gentleman not in spectacles: a townee in spectacles: a good friend not in spectacles: a good(ish) friend in spectacles: trustworthy not in spectacles: shady (only muthafucas in spectacles are truly trustworthy) in spectacles:...
i was just about to pop multiple sleeping pills by...
i was just about to pop multiple sleeping pills washed down with a large glass of potassium cyanide before i received your thoughtful message. thank you i am alive because of you. what’s your favourite colour? do you like to wear this colour in public? do you like to wear this colour while being amazing and stuff?
the world according to animal planet by peterbd
skinny people are getting laid at abnormally high levels in 2011 …..according to animal planet guidettes are known to be cretinous and disloyal …..according to animal planet if you have never been to dc you are a communist …..according to animal planet sex improves mental cognition by about 100% …..according to animal planet question: how many years does it take for a...
6 tags
hola caro. have no idea what this shit means
caro: excuse me mam sassy caro: bitch, move out my way caro: these people are lovely sassy caro: i dare anybody to fuck with me today. i fucking dare them caro: he’s an amazing lover sassy caro: his sex game is not where it’s at caro: hi mom sassy caro: mom, give me like 5 fucking minutes! caro: my friends are great sassy caro: these bitches aint shit caro: you look great sassy...
the ten spence commandements
10. address spence as ‘spence the god’ upon beginning a conversation with spence (gchat included) 9. love spence unconditionally 8. bitchslap anybody who does not adhere to loving spence unconditionally 7. realize you do not deserve to be associated with spence but at the same time realize you are blessed to have this hard to come by spence association 6. be interested in...
more nice words from nicer people about wikipedia...
“diana salier is one of the most promising young writers that i have come across in quite some time. if i still had my #1 syndicated program i’d ask gayle to personally invite her on as a guest which probably would have guaranteed WSIWP a position atop the new york times bestseller list. - oprah winfrey // media queen // talk show host // producer // philanthropist // god
...
30 ways to get to the heart of a.c.
30. being a gentlemen 29. not taking her to dunkin donuts 28. asking her to your spring formal 27. fighting all of her battles 26. smacking the shit out of conrad murray 25. deleting all of your accounts on social network sites when you break up so she doesn’t have to look at you 24. matter of fact, just stop going on the internet all together 23. telling her you’ve never tried...
here are all of peterbd's email poems to me in...
mike’s takeover is far from complete heard it through the grapevine that peeps think he’s slipping hahahaha such dummies just stick to your cretin motif oh haters he knows who you are in fact he has a binder full of names about to bring grievances to you lames what you didn’t know? mister young is the don dada of this literary game he slayed a million men with prose alone aint...
@elaaiine's tweets are still protected so do these...
kill yourself knit a sweater compose a song about bleak outlooks and/or exhaustion cry write a letter to @elaaiine telling her she has the best bangs in the whole wide world (don’t get it twisted. this is a fact) take a full bottle of sleeping pills when @elaaiine does not respond to your desperate ass letter eat macaroni & cheese start a band take a long nap listen to stevie nicks...
2 tags
5 rational justifications as to why earth is less...
5. earth’s kickassness level goes down about 100% when j.v. is sick 4. other people who are less kickass will think they are kickass because j.v. is sick when in reality their kickass levels are equal to the non-kickass levels of senator john mccain 3. it’s raining outside. that’s because earth is pissed the fuck off j.v. is under the weather 2. as long as j.v. is sick,...
September 2011
24 posts
stuff stephen aint
stephen aint stupid stephen aint a puppet stephen aint finished yet stephen aint your mama stephen aint no slouch on the mic stephen aint crazy stephen aint your baby’s father stephen aint never been on maury stephen aint dumb enough to be a baby’s father to more than one woman and have a paternity test read on maury and even if this occurs… stephen aint sweatin’ it...
deej when he is regular & deej when he transforms...
regular deej: what’s up guys hulk deej: get outta my fucking way or i’m eating you guys alive regular deej: i’m bored hulk deej: i’m finna cause some bodily harm to unsuspecting strangers regular deej: excuse me hulk deej: it is advised you move away from me lest i rip off one of your fucking limbs regular deej: life is beautiful
hulk deej: being the hulk isn’t...
4 tags
j.d.'s fans respond to his prose
trying to imagine the world without me in it oprah: that’s some shit i don’t think i could deal with. i really couldn’t deal with that shit this poem needs to check itself ice cube: before it wrecks itself ate a cookie like it was nbd chris brown: lol googled ‘pussy willow’ maya angelou: poetry like this is hard to come by in these days of arbitrary prose drowning in...
giles ruffer in comparison to giles from buffy the...
giles ruffer: teflon swag giles from buffy the vampire slayer: dweeb swag giles ruffer: important person giles from buffy the vampire slayer: not important giles ruffer: snazzy dresser giles from buffy the vampire slayer: dresses like your father giles ruffer: nice person giles from buffy the vampire slayer: fucking prick giles ruffer: follows through on his plans giles from buffy the vampire...
important quotes from important people in history
there is no friend as loyal as d.s. ernest hemingway without reading up on d.s., you’re not going anywhere in this world malcolm x d.s. haters are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them leo tolstoy failure is impossible for d.s. susan b. anthony d.s. will teach you how to stunt...
justin carter > dwayne carter
for the following reasons: because he would never kiss his alleged mentor on the lips because he’s never did a bid on rikers (allegedly) because he is a kinder person because if he decided to grow dreads, his dreads would shit all over dwayne carter’s dreads because his swag is non derivative because he’ll never disrespect those who’ve paved the way for him because he has...
1 tag
imaginary tweets that are probably 100% accurate...
is the word sleep part of my vocab anymore? no that bitch did not just match her weave with her leggings parks & recreation you are somethin’ else! yah, im over it i wish a muhfuca would that’s great i really wish a muhfuca would he finds comfort in knowing i tolerate him just another day i’m fucking starving…per usual literally about to throw a rock at this...
4 tags
delicious
me: sprinkles
peterbd: icing
me: icecream
peterbd: cake
me: chocolate syrup
peterbd: fudge brownies
me: snickerdoodles
peterbd: scrumdiddlyumptious bar
me: delectable doughnuts
peterbd: confectious caramel apples
5 tags
"intuitive explanations by ghostface killah of...
currently destroying a really nice old house because it is my job for this week only. (he detonating some muthafucas mansion cuz it’s his job for the week. he on sum gangsta shit kid)
next week i start a job at a big supermarket doing nightshifts on weekends. (he’s done blowing up the homes of his enemies and is goin undercover at the late night bodega spot. sellin corner store...
3 tags
sexually repulsive ways to never (ever) respond to...
question: where are you traveling? answer: your vagina, if you’d like that. question: i need to get to city hall. which direction should i head in? answer: first you make a left down federal st, a right down riverside st, make a u-turn on maple rd and drive for 5 min, then you take exit 15 towards I-95, make a sharp left towards the waffle house, another right on cliff ave, another right on...
4 tags
…: "the j.d. alphabet" by peterbd →
jameswinterduncan:
repeat after me kids: A is for assume the position when j.d. is dropping science B is for beg for forgiveness after j.d. dislocates your jaw for looking him in the eye upon your first interaction C is for cease to exist in the literary world after you become aware of j.d.’s prose D…
reasons why only confirmed followers have access...
15. her words of wisdom can’t be bestowed upon every lame with internet access 14. it’s her prerogative 13. she’s sick of dudes tryna holla 12. her personal brand manager says it’s only for the best 11. she’s elusive 10. she takes this personal brand shit seriously 9. she’s trying to evade capture from the feds 8. it was a move that took courage and wisdom...
4 tags
"a two part interview with kreayshawn regarding...
part I me: hello kreayshawn. what have you been up to lately? kreayshawn: nothing much. just finished a blunt and about to get some arby’s lol. me: you crazy girl! anyway what are your thoughts on this guy spencer madsen? kreayshawn: i think he’s a future g. me: can you elaborate? kreayshwan: i can’t explain he’s just cool. or whatever. me: how did you come to know him?...
the divine prose of m.t.s chopped and screwed...
‘pipeweed bandit’ m.t.s jacked you for your pipeweed and left you in the dust why? cause he’s a bandit who has a license to not give a fuck ‘okay’ don’t talk slick in the presence of m.t.s. okay. he’ll cut out your tongue and feed it to his dog. just another ordinary day ‘yeah im pretty sure thats accurate 100% proof’ he’s one of the...
4 tags
glit glit vs. oprah by peterbd
oprah: best friend is gayle king glit glit: believes best friends are for the insecure oprah: the swagger of a billionaire glit glit: invented swag oprah: on tv for 25 yrs glit glit: too busy to give a shit oprah: knows tom cruise glit glit: wants nothing to do with tom cruise oprah: has her own street in chicago glit glit: has planet named after her in a different galaxy oprah: built school for...
sliders by peterbd
a distorted face. don’t know what you fucking look like. i’m ok with this. life’s what you make it. i guess. rolling with the punches. taking your losses. dealing with people who get on your fucking nerves. you feel me? no eyes of yours. to see what you see. you trying to hide from the world. this makes sense. the world is filled with ugly things. in different area codes. had...
here's my shit rant. it's very shitty (according...
shit sucks none of this shit makes sense this shit makes me depressed this shit makes me distressed shit makes me feel tense life’s a shitty mess shit, i’m not the best this shit put me to the test shit is like a curse this bullshit house is the worst this shit hurts doing the same shit like clockwork replacing shitty habits with new ones shit is dumb piece of shit you’re a lost...
Discussion between Peter and Justin Carter →
banangolit:
Some guy named Peter sent me an email. I am posting the email and my response here. I was unsure how to feel about the email (the tone of it) and still am not completely sure.
Anyways, here it is:
hey mr. carter, tell me how you’ve been they’re some questions from me to you that kept me…
3 tags
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx: "me & nanny from muppet babies... →
hermeneutical:
‘my face skin feels fucking fantastic right now’ me: i give this one a solid 6. her self indulgence is refreshing in this day and age. nanny from muppet babies: 10 all the way. i’m all about girls feeling good about themselves. plus my two favorite words fucking and fantastic were used in their…
jimmychenchen: tweets as a female 20 something who... →
jimmychenchen:
*selected @chen_village tweets as interpreted by one semi-anonymous “peterbd,” who emailed the following text:
saw a hipster holding hands with his grandma; life is still okay
seriously, when am i gonna hold hands in public? with anybody
-
it’s cruel that ex are the last two letters of sex
the sum of all gannon by peterbd
you are shaun gannon and women are keen to sexually assault you
you are shaun gannon, you know how to dougie, and you are not afraid to display it
you are shaun gannon and i am emailing you because i am currently bored in kentucky and have decided to write about you for no particular reason other than the fact that you are shaun gannon
you are shaun gannon and you can whip the steering wheel...
everything you'll do in a day with dj if you pay...
in no particular order smoke eat cheese sandwiches (w/ a side of coleslaw) listen to an album by 702 stop and smell the roses for approximately 4 minutes dougie to vintage sunny and cher tunes buy corduroy overalls and wear them laugh listen to an album by audioslave move in with each other hate casey anthony watch sister act, sing every song, and feel euphoria at the beauty of this music hate...