peterbd complete works

obama and jeremy's phone convos by peterbd

atomhumper — Thu, 23 May 2013 10:40:39 -0400

i’m telling you the truth jeremy, ‘angel baby’ is one of the best things i’ve ever read online.

if you need me to send a secret service agent to your house for protection then i will. i’m worried for your safety jeremy. everybody wants a piece of you these days.

hey j.b., too many people around so i’m texting. can’t wait for all these people to leave so we can talk.

ayo jeremy, i wish i could talk to you longer about your new projects but michelle needs to use my phone again. she always wants to use my shit.

biden just told me that he didn’t like ‘angel baby.’ the fuck is wrong with that guy?

damn wish i could party with you in texas tonight but i’m stuck on air force one.

just read ‘day.’ i know i’m late but i wanted to tell you that that was a great piece of work that you did. it was genius actually. how long did it take you to write? wish i could write something as good as that. i would like for you to make a chapbook which i would fund and that only i would read. indie literature is a passion of mine even though i could never be on your level. maybe after my second term is up i could submit to lit mags and be apart of the community. i’m also into creating memes as well as gifs. i’m just into esoteric internet culture as a whole. do you have a tumblr?

hey barry, why won’t jeremy bauer return my calls?

jeremy doesn’t fuck with lames.

j. bradley is official (received 2/25/12)

iheartfailure — Wed, 22 May 2013 23:12:21 -0400

you should be into j bradley

get into j bradley

j bradley is one of the best out

he’s a talented and soulful dude

his writing is beautiful

his writing is transcendent

never boastful

highly approachable

simply put

the dude is cool

which is why you should be into him

it’s easy to connect with what he’s saying

oh yea

and he also has a don’t give a fuck attitude

how much is that chapbook again

j bradley?

gonna need about a million copies

the history of you by peterbd

atomhumper — Wed, 22 May 2013 22:54:46 -0400

you were born someplace and this was cool cause no one was born the way you were

you were a baby and you did weird baby stuff

you stopped being a baby and the baby stuff eventually stopped

you were once a small child

you were nothing like the other small children around you

you were an original small child which was admirable

you were a very different kind of teen

you did interesting teen stuff that other individuals couldn’t understand

gtfoh if you didn’t appreciate jeremy as an interesting teen

you are now in post teendom and still original as ever

you wake up, you eat, you go to sleep

but you do this in a different way everyday

you do this differently from everyone else

aint that some shit?

you walk with a pimpass gangsta lean

unoriginal mofos best get out your way

the gods have blessed you

jeremy bauer

they’ve blessed you with originality

congratulations my dude

nathan the man his name is nathan. he is the man. this is the way things are...

nathankeelespringer — Thu, 16 May 2013 15:28:32 -0400

nathan the man

his name is nathan. he is the man. this is the way things are because that’s how things turned out. beyonce once walked up to nathan and asked for his name. he replied: my name is nathan. i am the man

nathan the pimp

nathan will bed you if he wants to. he is a pimp and gets what he wants

nathan the alien

alien nathan came to earth in 2011 to learn about our stupid planet and to see if president obama is to good to be true. he will probably leave earth 3 hours from now due to his boredom

nathan the nice guy

nathan could’ve just punched you in the face right now but he won’t. he’s a nice guy

nathan the rapper

did you not know that i’m the shit? the name’s nathan, i’m blessed with many gifts. the dude other rappers wouldn’t dare to fuck with. yea, the haters hate it. they hate cause they’re basic. i tried my hardest to find they’re talent, but i couldn’t trace it. just face this, you’re lame. you shoulda never stepped into this game. the kid nathan’s stakin his claim. puttin all you so called artists to shame. you’re the targets to which i aim. so say your prayers. mr springer just stole your fame - one of nathan’s many raps

nathan the guy in the glasses

nathan wears glasses as a disguise because he’s superman

nathan the san franciscan citizen

nathan is in san fran

san francisco

san fran fuckin ciso

listening to sisqo

‘the thong song’ to be exact

nathan the san franciscan citizen

if he’s reading his prose then your listening

if he’s reading his prose he’s just being him

him in his city

of san francisco

where things get messy

where there once was full house

now nathan’s the new uncle jesse

he’s reading his prose to dj

and michelle
and stephanie

and uncle joey

he’s not reading shit to kimmy gibler though

she works his nerves

it’s his city
nathan’s poetic city
filled with history
‘filled with mystery

oh yes

he’s holding it down in san francisco as we speak

nathan the ghost

being a ghost means that nathan has seen animal collective for free ever since they’ve been in existence. but this isn’t because he’s a ghost and can sneak into concerts without being seen. it’s because animal collective prefer ghosts at their shows

nathan the music man

play that song for us nathan keele springer. we need to hear that song that you worked on. that song that you put your heart and soul into. that song’s our favorite. you do this for the love of it. we can feel it when we hear you play this music. love is in your music. and keep in mind that no one makes this music like you. this nathan keele spinger music. hey man, don’t forget that

nathan the loser

lol. what farce

i.matthew sherling is the president of the united states. he ran as an independent and everyone...

cuttyspot — Sun, 05 May 2013 19:00:01 -0400

i.
matthew sherling is the president of the united states. he ran as an independent and everyone thinks he’s the best president of all time.
matthew sherling does important things as the president of the united states. one of the things he does is make sure the american
public is rich as hell. 99% of americans are rich as hell and this is because matthew sherling is a bomb ass president. the 1% who are
not rich didn’t listen to the president’s teachings. these people have been banished to outer space. matthew sherling has a high
approval rating across the board. whenever he walks into a room, people give him standing ovations and cheer. those who do not cheer
at the top of their lungs or clap with intense fervor receive a slap in the face from president sherling. he’s the president so he doesn’t get
reprimanded for this. matthew sherling is the muthafucin president of these here united states. he has 9 wives. he made polygamy legal.
he’s the only one that’s allowed to practice polygamy in the united states. he made this an amendment. he sentenced 10,000 people into
solitary confinement for the rest of their lives. these people pissed matthew sherling off and, in his eyes, deserved these fair sentences.
he legalized all drugs, extended his presidency to 50 years and canceled every t.v. show he thought was lame. he is our president
and we love him.

ii.
‘matthew sherling has the voice of an angel’ said everybody

iii.
life is so confusing. nothing in life makes sense and it sucks. where do we go when we die? why are we here? is kim kardashian a fembot?
so many questions, so little time. it’s cool that matthew sherling exists. when shit on earth gets chaotic, humans can breath a little
easier knowing that matthew is somewhere doing his matthew thing. he’s alive right now, we’re alive right now, nothing makes fucking sense
and that’s ok. that is, as long as matthew doesn’t die. if matthew ever dies then the earth will most likely blow up. everyone on earth will
perish. we’d never get the chance to witness the demise of the kardashians. guess it’s a good thing that matthew sherling’s gonna live forever.
a real good thing.

iv.
matthew sherling’s phone rings. ‘hello’ he says. ‘sup matty’ says the person on the other line. ‘hi. who is this?’ says matthew.
‘this is god’ says god. ‘i’m tired of being god and am giving the job to you. good luck.’ god hangs up before matthew can decline the position.

casey is your friend

caseyhannan — Wed, 01 May 2013 16:53:36 -0400

casey is a really great friend
casey will be friends with you even if you don’t know how to dress

as your friend, casey will give you one of his books to read
casey is a very talented writer so him giving you one of his books is a good thing
if you read one of casey’s books and don’t enjoy it then you’re probably an imbecile

when it comes to friendship, no one is on casey’s level

casey wants to bake you pies
casey wants to talk literature with you
casey is the type of friend who will stop being friends with beyonce if you ask him to
that’s just the type of friend casey is
he’ll give up traveling the world with beyonce so you and him can bro down

definition of the word friend: a person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade
definition of casey hannan: a person who is superior to you but is still your friend

if you need friendly advice, call on casey
if you need to talk to a friend, call on casey
call on casey when you want him to edit your chapbook
call on casey when you have alcohol poisoning and need a ride home from the hospital
call on casey when you want to have a threesome. just make sure the other person is attractive or casey will stop being friends with you

casey is a good friend
he’s the one best friend that anyone could have

m. salesses is in his prime he’s a writer he’s a father he takes no...

salesses — Wed, 01 May 2013 16:18:21 -0400

m. salesses is in his prime

he’s a writer

he’s a father

he takes no shit

he takes no prisoners

are you jealous of yung matthew?

are you bitter?

well sorry that you feel that way

you should’ve known that he’s better at prose than you

m.s. is the pick of the litter

this is no lie

i’m no bullshitter

the god has never been a quitter

his prose is like going to church

you’ll want to raise your hands in exaltation after gazing at his stuff

suckers can’t compete

which is why they get their feelings hurt

smh if you haven’t read the last repatriate

only imbeciles have not read this supreme work of fiction

tlr is better than the rest

and if you’ve read it then count yourself lucky

your mind has been blessed

the book is a work of art

in the eyes of literature purists, it is a classic

the opposite of one note

franzen read it and said

‘the last repatriate is the best thing i never wrote’

matt is privy to the fact that he’s one of the best of his generation

he knows that he’s the biggie smalls of prose

but none of this goes to his head

he’s just being the person he was born to be

which is a fucking genius

hip hop artist's respond to michael j seidlinger's prose

ccmpress — Thu, 18 Apr 2013 01:48:17 -0400

whew, finished the novel. now it’s time for some wine.
- michael j seidlinger
//
the literary molestin is taking place, fucking with m.j.s it aint safe

- the notorious b.i.g

i’m here for clever tweets. yeah, i caved in.
- michael j seidlinger
//

let your hair down baby, michael hit a score, pick any book on the planet, prose galore, take what good reads figures than figure ten, cause they forgot to account he’s a beast with the pen

- jay z

everything I’ll ever fucking do is a balloon. the kind of response I’m looking for here is for some asshole to threaten to pop them
- michael j seidlinger
//

if reading books should die before i wake, i’ll load an extended clip and demolish them all day, murder every ipad, just for mike’s sake. body every kindle, just for mike’s sake

- nas

i have a to-read stack of books as tall as me. i wish i were taller.
- michael j seidlinger
//

i wish i was a little bit taller, i wish i wasn’t smaller, i wish i had a girl who looked good, i would call her, i wish i was michael j seidlinger, cause he’s a muthafucin baller

- skee-lo

Today I am sick as shit.
- michael j seidlinger
//

good morning, look at the other novelists, scared of the future, while mike is so sick with this shit, scared to face the world, complacent and not stunting, they mad cause they didn’t write ‘the sky conducting’

it’s going viral. no escape

- michael j seidlinger

the tables bout to turn i bet my fame on it, dudes take his synopses and put they name on it, that’s ok though, you can’t hold mike down, his prose will always move you

- lil kim

i went from freezing in the cold to sweating in the heat. damn nature you scary.
- michael j seidlinger
//

mikey’s a monster, ask his publisher, cold muthafuca, his live reads are trouble, passionate and he’s humble, recovers when he tumbles, the heat he packs is scary, leaving writers leery

- rick ross

blahing the day away.
- michael j seidlinger
//

there they go, packing stadiums as michael spits his prose, nuts they are, minds are fuckin blown plus they need cpr, he can make them look like mofos, just only with his legendary flow, fuck yes, passed the test, his words are like a blow to your chest, mike aint had a buzz like this since the last time that you read his prose, haters waiting for mike to fall because they’re mad they don’t come close, back up in this bitch and they know, he’s going harder then before, bashing you writers in the head, all with his muthafucin pen, the passion of his words has erupted, you can’t turn away cause you love it, this is exactly what he does, while you’re just a writer interrupted, you dealing with a hardorce artist, and yes this dude is just getting started, he goes the hardest, he’s never tired, in due time all you others will expire, payback mr. franzen, for thinking your novel was better than young mike’s, when he releases his new shit, you’re gonna disappear so get out of sight, the hemingway of his time, he’s taking over this fucking place, seidlinger dropped ‘the day we delay’ so he’s earned the right to blah his life away

- eminem

someone already wrote my autobiography
- michael j seidlinger
//

don’t try to fight the feeling, mike is entertaining and he’s of the now, thank god, for his literature, others writers jealous cause they don’t know how

- andre 3000

20 zachery wood things

zacherywood — Mon, 01 Apr 2013 13:58:14 -0400

1. a great thing to know about zachery wood is that he’ll fuck you up if you deserve it

2. never will there ever be another zachery wood. some people think they’re zachery wood or on zachery wood’s level. lmao

3. zachery has brunch with oprah on sundays. zachery has lunch with obama on thursdays. zachery has breakfast with bill gates on mondays. zachery has dinner with a bad bitch everyday. he’s pretty busy

4. when zachery sold his soul to the devil, he didn’t know that the devil would make his life a living hell. so zachery murdered the devil. the end

5. the day that zachery was born, was a glorious day. everyone was rejoicing. everyone couldn’t believe that this beautiful child had been bestowed unto them. ‘this is a beautiful child’ said zachery’s doctor. everyone agreed with the doctor’s assessment of zachery. he was pretty beautiful for a child

6. it’s the year 1997. ‘mo money mo problems’ has just hit number one on the billboard charts. zachery wood is at his friend’s house. they’re listening to a third eye blind song. zachery is wearing a tommy hilfiger shirt. his friend is wearing tommy hilfiger overalls. zachery’s friend’s sister is watching ‘party of five’ in her room. zachery’s friend’s dad is watching michael jordan highlights on espn in the kitchen. zachery’s friend’s mom is upstairs watching ‘friends’ while wondering if she could pull of rachel’s haircut. zachery’s friend’s sister walks in wearing a leonardo dicaprio sweater and platforms. she asks them if they think leonardo dicaprio is cool. they say no. she decides to go to her friend’s house so they can discuss leonardo dicaprio, listen to hanson, and rewatch a vhs copy of ‘the basketball diaries’ that they rented from blockbuster. zachery and his friend have finished listening to third eye blind. ‘do you think third i blind will be famous in the second half of the 2000’s?’ zachery’s friend says. ‘i think they’ll become unpopular and people will make fun of them but i think by 2013 trendy people who live in williamsburg, brooklyn will appreciate them. but only ironically’ zachery says. ‘whatever dude. third eye blind is like the beatles or close to them. what does ironically even mean?’ his friend says. zachery just shakes his head and wipes dirt off of his vans

7. if you say zachery’s name three times he’ll magically appear in front of you with a pack of pbr and some good weed

8. zachery is doing what he likes similar to how mike tyson does what he likes. they’re just tryna live, you know

9. king zacheria wood IV ruled brooklyn back in the day. he was a really cool king that everyone loved. they loved him because he gave really heartfelt speeches and threw the best orgies. brooklyn was a lot better back when zacheria was king. this was all back in the day. the streets were cleaner, the people were more friendly, and the hipsters were less entry level. whomever’s ruling brooklyn these days is doing a horrible job. smh. they need to pick up king zacheria’s old handbook on how to govern brooklyn like a boss

10. RT if you think zachery can beat gucci mane at super smash bros

11. praying for zachery’s well being is probably a good thing because god cares about zachery’s well being more than he cares about yours

12. angelina jolie yearns for zachery’s wood while she watches brad pitt prepare dinner

13. if zachery congratulates you on something, smile with gratitude
if zachery cooks you dinner, say thank you
if zachery introduces himself to you, kiss his feet
if zachery does a good job on something, give him a high five
if zachery likes you then you must be doing something right
if zachery says he’s tired, massage his feet
if zachery has beef with someone, kidnap this person and bring them to zachery so he can deal with them accordingly
if zachery is asleep, be careful around him as to not wake him up
if zachery is your friend, thank god that this has occurred
if zachery is playing the saxophone, stfu and enjoy it
if zachery is wearing something nice, compliment him
if zachery is wearing something horrible, don’t lie to him and say he’s wearing something nice. i mean, what kind of friend of zachery’s would do that?
if zachery wants to hang out, hang out with zachery
if zachery is feeling down, make zachery laugh
if zachery is already laughing, laugh with zachery
if zachery is in the zone, make sure he stays in the zone and doesn’t leave the zone until his task in the zone is complete
if zachery wants a delicious pastry, buy and/or bake his favorite pastry
if zachery has beef with santa claus, snuff santa claus

14. ‘yes’ said jonathan safran foer in response to a strangers question in which they asked him if zachery wood gets more girls than him

15. update: if you have a negative opinion about zachery wood then he doesn’t give a fuck

16. zachery is running. he’s being chased by an unknown entity. this entity is dead set on capturing him. zachery is running away from the entity as fast as he can. zachery trips. the entity gets closer. zachery gets up and runs even faster. zachery runs into an abandoned house similar to the abandoned house that girl from the ‘thriller’ music video ran into when zombie michael jackson and his zombie friends were chasing her. zachery hides in a closet and hopes the entity doesn’t see him. the entity sees zachery immediately. zachery runs out of the closet and smashes through the second floor window. he lands on his feet and continues running faster than he ran before. zachery doesn’t know why the entity is chasing him or what he has done to cause the entity to want to harm him. he just knows that he has to continue running fast as hell. the entity stops at new balance and buys some running shoes as a way to catch up to zachery. zachery notices that the entity is gaining speed on him and doesn’t know how this has happened. he’s not aware that the entity bought $80 running shoes which are both stylish and supportive to ones ankles. zachery begins to slow down. he’s been running for 10 hours straight and is extremely exhausted. the entity is not tired at all since entity’s don’t get tired. zachery collapses on the ground. he’s dehydrated. he’s hungry. he’s tired of running. the entity has finally caught up to zachery. ‘hi’ says the entity. ‘what do you want from me’ zachery screams. the entity begins to cry. the entity tells zachery how lonely it is and how it just moved to new york and how it has no one to bro down with. zachery hugs the entity and tells it that it should’ve just messaged him on facebook if he wanted to hang. zachery says that there was no need to chase him for 10 hours. ‘entities chasing people is not only scary, it’s fucked up’ zachery says. the entity agrees and begins walking away. zachery asks the entity where it’s going. the entity tells zachery that it’s going to commit suicide due to no one loving it. zachery asks the entity if entities can commit suicide. the entity says it doesn’t know but it will try. zachery asks the entity if he can watch it commit suicide to see if it works. the entity agrees. the entity grabs a knife and begins stabbing itself. that doesn’t work. the entity tries drowning itself. that doesn’t work. the entity asks zachery to smother it with a pillow. that doesn’t work. ‘i don’t think you can kill yourself’ zachery says ‘maybe you’re like a ghost or something. ghosts can’t kill themselves.’ the entity begins crying again. ‘you just reminded me that i’m tupac’ the entity says. ‘all this time i’ve been depressed not knowing who i am and trying to kill myself when i’m tupac. thanks for reminding me.’ ‘no problem’ zachery says. pac and zachery go back to zachery’s apartment and bro down. before tupac leaves, he signs zachery’s copy ofjuice. ‘we should hang again sometime’ pac says. ‘yea’ zachery says ‘we can go running for 20 hours next time.’ pac laughs at zachery’s joke, high fives him, and floats out of his apartment. so the next time you see zachery running, just know that he’s spending quality time with the ghost of tupac shakur

17. the upcoming film man of steel is about zachery wood’s life. zachery wood is superman

18. he’s grabbing life by the horns
he’s driving fast
this is his life
the life of zachery wood
the life of a badass

19. zachery has just died. please don’t be sad. zachery wouldn’t want you to be sad about his death. he’s lived a good life and his death was inevitable. death is inevitable to all of us. it’s pretty crazy that he’s dead though. he’s no longer breathing. his heart is no longer beating. all of this is strange if you think about it considering he’s reading this right now. zachery sorta killed himself and is dead but he’s still kind of alive. this doesn’t make any sense but zachery wood doesn’t make any sense. he’s just as dichotomous as any other human being. so there’s no need to make funeral arrangements or cry or dial a mortician. zachery decided to kill himself because he was tired of the old version of himself. he was tired of his face. he was tired of his voice. he was tired of the way he ate food. he was tired of everything about himself. he fucking killed himself. he’s dead. he’s a dead zachery wood. please don’t mess with his corpse. the new version of zachery wood wants to look at his corpse to remind himself about the things that he wants to change about himself. yea, i know all this is weird. zachery’s life is weird but in a fun way. kinda like a michel gondry movie that makes a little more sense. or less sense? man, life just doesn’t make any sense. does life make sense to you zachery? do you like life? i mean, you must of hated life since you offed yourself but now there’s a new version of yourself so you must see some beauty in it. maybe you just did it for sport. only you know why you did it man. it’s your life, or was your life, and you can do with it what you wish. did you watch the walking dead tonight? it was a pretty intense episode. that might not be your thing though. i know you write. you were a great writer before you killed yourself. now that you’re a new version of yourself, i think your writing is gonna be even better. i think death looks good on you. death was good for zachery wood you guys. so wipe your tears and stop being depressed about the old zachery wood. he dead

20. don’t fault zachery for doing what he wants. the man’s earned it

the west coast poet king

notmattsiegel — Sun, 10 Mar 2013 17:18:15 -0400

royalty is at the podium

prick up your ears

he’s dropping knowledge on you busters

it’s 2013

it’s king matthew siegel’s year

understand that his writing is at a different level

understand that he’s of a different breed

if you tell m. siegel what his motto is this year

he’ll reply:

no one can fuck with me

and this is the truth

it’s not a lie

others think they’re kings but they’re not

their stanzas are weak

their line breaks need work

when people read this arid poetry they fall asleep

when people read mister siegel’s poetry they go berserk

poe and plath in one

like pac in his prime

master of the written language

this is something maya angelou said after reading an m. siegal poem:

everything i’ve read prior to this is fucking average

he hasn’t even begun to try which is the funny thing

everything he’s done thus far was just practice

now did you think that poem you wrote was as good as the king’s?

lmao

you must be the daftest

r. wehrenberg

wolfpile — Thu, 07 Mar 2013 10:42:18 -0500

peep the way he operates

peep the etiquette

peep the game

the man’s name is richard wehrenberg jr

he’s staking his claim

everyone else is giving us more of the same

they talk about it but they’re not about it

they’re not about that life

he’s on the up and up

did you know that r.w. was bossin up?

well now you know

far from normal

busting through the doors

dude has gifts

squared up

transcending this literary shit

and you better believe he’s staying fresh

from his head down to his toes

fresh to the death

hell yes

they can’t rock it like he can

they try and fail miserably

they look dusty

while richard is giving you something new visually

dude has time

just wait

it’s his fate

this is his fate:

to stunt

to give us ill prose

to travel the world

to go down in history

this is written in stone or some shit

talent like this is something that big rich earned

haters are mad that it’s his turn

i guess imbeciles never learn

ready for a change?

then get into what he’s serving you

your brain will be better for it

Lieking: ~1yr anniversary email from peter bd :: titled: 'maggie lee: a year in unpublished photos'

anduworthington — Mon, 04 Mar 2013 21:58:40 -0500

Lieking: ~1yr anniversary email from peter bd :: titled: 'maggie lee: a year in unpublished photos':

lieking:

black & white photo of maggie lee eating a sandwich

- i emailed/met maggie lee last year
- since i met maggie lee, we’ve hung out numerous times
- i think i’ve hung out with maggie lee more than any other person i’ve met online
- maggie lee has been in my car and i’ve driven her to…

Drew Millard's Real Author Page

drew-york — Sun, 03 Mar 2013 20:35:13 -0500

Hi, I’m Drew Millard. I’m the shit and have exquisite taste in music. I live in New York City and am living out my dreams everyday. Hi haters. I’m an Assistant Editor at Noisey, the music arm of the Definitive Guide To Enlightening Information. Being the Assistant Editor at Noisey is pretty chill. I get to interview rappers, get free swag, and get invited to all the hottest parties. smdh if you’re an assistant editor at any other music publication. smgdh. Working at Noisey has also been great for my swag. Before I worked at Noisey, I had to turn my swag on. I had to do this every timeI hopped up outta my bed. But now when I hop up outta bed, my swag is already on level 10. The swag I exude is now a 24 hour affair. Swag is on cruise control. This has been great for my confidence. It’s also great for the people I come into contact with who don’t have much swag of their own and can absorb some of mine. I co-founded Rap Industry Fan Fiction (you’re welcome) and have written for GQ, Village Voice, Salon, Kill Screen Magazine, The Bible and the Wall Street Journal’s Speakeasy blog.

Noisey Author Page

Greatest Hits:

GQ.com
The Gauntlet of Suck—I went and saw Nickelback and Creed perform in a single night. It ruled and idgaf about your opinion
Vice
How To Not Violate Man Code: My Day With Waka Flocka Flame—Yes, I wrote that one. Yes, I text Waka Flocka Flame daily. Yes, we are kinda like BFF’s now
Reddit’s Spacedicks Section Is The Internet’s Actual Asshole—Sorry mom. Actually, I’m not sorry mom. I need to stop catering to people’s needs all the time. I need to not worry about consequences and be spontaneous. So mom, I love you, but I am NOT sorry
Dusted
Review: Big Krit, 4eva N a Day—I do not like Big Krit’s mixtape although he’s a pretty chill bro. We smoked weed before one of his shows a couple of months ago lol
Paste
Review: MLB 2K12—”You might give up a double or seven, but hey, 20 Skill Points! You can save your tears for when you’ve gotten the fuck out of Topeka and are comfortably nestled in the middle of some Major League rotation.” - me

Kill Screen
Ital Pushes Buttons—I interviewed Ital about the videogames that he does not play. (sidenote: Ital is actually addicted to World of Warcraft)
The Dark Side of the Paddock—Have I told you guys about my horse? Well, his name is Keith, he’s an American Saddlebreed, and he’s one of my best buds
50 Cent: Still Human—If 50 Cent is the Charles Foster Kane of this rap shit, 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand is his Rosebud. In this metaphor, I play the Jerry Thompson character. I also wish 50 would stop texting me to hang out all the time. It’s getting a bit much

Review: Words With Friends—Cited by Let’s Get Critical as one of the top pieces of culture writing on the Web in December 2011 as well as the best fucking thing on the internet since the internet was established

i-d-g-i: peterbd

elainesbrain — Thu, 21 Feb 2013 10:15:45 -0500

i-d-g-i:

peterbd

midwestern mohawk

emoboysandgirls — Fri, 15 Feb 2013 09:06:56 -0500

simon jacobs and his mohawk have saved countless souls
simon jacobs and his mohawk wrote that interesting shit that kept you up all night
simon jacobs and his mohawk have this thing on lock
simon jacobs and his mohawk are busy doing something interesting right now and cannot return your phone call so please leave a name and message and they’ll get back to you’
simon jacobs and his mohawk will slay you with words
simon jacobs and his mohawk are 100% superior to the doritos locos taco
simon jacobs and his mohawk continue to not write bad fiction
simon jacobs and his mohawk have a bone to pick with whomever doesn’t know how to rock a mohawk properly
simon jacobs and his mohawk were the 2012 version of batman and robin
simon jacobs and his mohawk are going to be the 2013 version of themselves
simon jacobs and his mohawk spend their time creating, creating, creating
simon jacobs and his mohawk understand that you’re jealous of them
simon jacobs and his mohawk reside in a galaxy that is different from this one
simon jacobs and his mohawk only give props when props are due
simon jacobs and his mohawk don’t want no drama
simon jacobs and his mohawk can handle the truth
simon jacobs and his mohawk spontaneously combusted and survived this incident
simon jacobs and his mohawk enjoy reading and writing and eating good foods
simon jacobs and his mohawk are discovering new things every day
simon jacobs and his mohawk carry literature on their backs
simon jacobs and his mohawk are living the dream
simon jacobs and his mohawk will be future makers of mad cream
simon jacobs and his mohawk walk with a poetic gangsta lean
simon jacobs and his mohawk are oh so fresh and oh so clean
simon jacobs and his mohawk are out of control
simon jacobs and his mohawk don’t give a fuck if you don’t understand them
simon jacobs and his mohawk are what they are
simon jacobs and his mohawk change minute by minute
simon jacobs and his mohawk are free to do whatever they want. so let them

celebs discuss amelia

amouse — Thu, 14 Feb 2013 13:07:27 -0500

anytime i visit amelia’s tumblr, i get an adreneline rush. it’s better than crack ~ bobby brown

amelia is not only beautiful, she is one of the most innovative young people around ~ oprah winfrey

i dig her ~ sufjan stevens

yesterday, while i was ruling my empire with an iron first, i came across the literature of amelia. MIND BLOWN ~ martha stewart

please date me ~ justin timblerlake

please date my son. i hate jessica ~ justin timberlake’s mom

amelia is better than a mcrib and a mcgriddle combined ~ rick ross

so fucking jealous of her ~ joan didion

i want to write a song about amelia but she would probably laugh at me afterwards because it’s not up to par. fml ~ bon iver

she is my heir ~ michael jordan

amelia is so goddamn funny and so goddamn talented that i literally cannot take it ~ amy poehler

that’s one quirky girl. quirky, but real. take notes zooey deschanel ~ john waters

i’m obsessed with her. i hope i can be on her level one day ~ lena dunham

lmao. keep dreaming lena ~ beyonce

i’m so jealous of amelia that i talk to my therapist about it daily. if my therapist isn’t available, then i talk to my wife. if my wife isn’t around, than i just eat an entire carton of ice cream while looking at amelia’s tumblr while also crying my eyes out ~ bill gates

gomes pomes

deejberndt — Thu, 14 Feb 2013 08:51:46 -0500

once upon a time there was a girl named jeannette
she was like beyonce
but more talented

2013 is the year of jeannette
gomes that is
she’s getting paper
she’s handling her biz
did you hate les mis?
don’t blame jeannette if you did
she was asked to write the screenplay
but turned it down
the end

the moon is shining
the streets are quiet
jeannette gomes is writing something interesting
take notes johnathan franzen

jeannette is a writer
jeannette is a really good writer
somebody once said they didn’t like jeannette’s writings
jeannette used her above average martial arts skills to cause bodily harm to this person
jeannette is now this person’s favorite writer

you are apart of this world
jeannette gomes is also apart of this world
what the fuck does any of this mean

one time when i was walking to the store i looked up and jeannette gomes was flying
at first i was really confused
but then i remembered she has wings

the audience claps after j. gomes reads her story
j. gomes is embarrassed because the applause is thunderous
j. gomes uses her secret powers to turn the entire audience into panda bears
now panda bears are applauding j. gomes and she’s no longer embarrassed

she is jeannette
he is obama
obama and jeannette are both inspirations
that’s just one of the things they have in common

there’s a loud noise coming from upstairs
jeannette rushes up the stairs
the noise is very loud
jeannette opens the door
to her surprise
three six mafia is having an impromptu
concert in her room
jeannette is not startled at all
she’s used to three six mafia doing things like this

jeannette gomes is not jeannette comes
jeannette comes is like
really irritating
and chews with her mouth open

did you know that jeannette is oprah’s best friend?
smgdh if you didn’t know this

jeannette gomes is nothing like those other human beings
thank god

hey jeannette
hey jeannette gomes
when you become super famous
make sure you don’t forget
to take it all in

anytime kim kardashian gets on gchat
jeannette goes from green to invisible
due to kim kardashian always gchatting jeannette
jeannette convinced beyonce to do the same

scrambler history

Mon, 11 Feb 2013 18:31:37 -0500

in 2008, scrambler books arrived on the scene. other presses did not appreciate this and tried to stop scrambler books’ ascension. jeremy spencer layed the smackdown on these other presses because he has mafia connections and the literary world is fearful of him

the year is 2009. scrambler books is at the top of its game and staying far far away from other independent press lames. j. spence has just ended his secret affair with alanis morissette. she doesn’t know how to handle the news but j. spence isn’t sweatin it. he’s the hottest editor in the independent lit scene and can’t just be with one woman

‘it’s either my way or the highway.’ that is what jeremy said to roman polanski in 2010 when roman asked jeremy if he could turn one of his books into a film. this particular book was never made into a film because jeremy felt roman’s vision was too linear

2011 was the year jeremy spencer took this literature to new heights. he edited some great books. he hooked up with beyonce. he helped scrambler become the biggest independent press in america. he convinced beyonce to go back to jay z once she got too clingy. yup. in 2011 jeremy spencer had the lit game on lock

jeremy was in an undisclosed country for the entirety of 2012. he ran scrambler books from this undisclosed country. jeremy may or may not have cia connections. please do not ask jeremy if he has cia connections or someone in the mob will make you disappear. lol @ you being all up in jeremy’s secret business endeavors and now you disappeared

2013 has just begun and jeremy spencer is already doing big things. innovative things. buckwild things. extraordinary things. i.e. he edited beyonce’s superbowl halftime show and still found the time to edit new scrambler projects that will be released this year. it’s only february 2013 and jeremy spencer already shitted on every other independent press out there. take notes jay z

Untitled

shamwow — Thu, 31 Jan 2013 10:00:41 -0500

d is for don’t fuck with his paper

a is for act like you know what’s up when you see the god

n is for no one can fuck with the god

i is for instigating a beef with the god will get you hurt

e is for eventually he will be greater than hemingway and biggie smalls combined

l is for let us bow our heads and thank our lord and savior for bringing him into this world

r is for run to your local bookstore when his book is finally released

o is for ongoing investigations are being conducted into whether he is the most chill human being alive

b is for bust anybody in their head if they talk slick about d. roberts

e is for eventually the world will end, so we might as well pay homage to him while the earth is still rotating

r is for robert de niro wants to be him

t is for treat him to dinner sometime. you won’t regret it. he’s, like, a super nice guy

s is for stfu when he’s talking. his words are important

ben nadler is on south street. he’s eating a chicken cheese steak at ishkabibble’s....

anduworthington — Wed, 30 Jan 2013 14:07:11 -0500

ben nadler is on south street. he’s eating a chicken cheese steak at ishkabibble’s. some dude comes up to ben nadler and starts some shit. this dude is drunk and is up in ben’s face. ‘dude, get out of my face’ says ben nadler ‘i’m just trying to enjoy my chicken cheese steak.’ the dude continues to provoke ben nadler. the dude continues to fuck up ben nadler’s chicken cheese steak eating experience. ben nadler puts down his chicken cheese steak. he gives the drunk loser who’s bothering him a black eye. ben nadler goes back to his chicken cheese steak and takes a big bite out of it. ben nadler returns to the drunk douche and gives him another black eye. ben nadler finishes his chicken cheese steak. he washes it down with his favorite alcoholic beverage. on his way out of ishkabibble’s, he walks over the unconscious drunk guy he knocked out. ‘this is the life’ one of ben nadler’s friends says. ben inhales the crisp south philadelphia air. ‘it is’ ben nadler says to his friend while nodding in agreement

neil young is playing the tower theater tonight and ben nadler is not in attendance. ben nadler is somewhere else in philly. neil young begins his concert. he plays for 20 minutes and starts getting bored. he wishes he was hanging out with ben nadler instead. ‘where the fuck is ben nadler?’ neil young screams at the audience after he finishes ‘albuquerque.’ the audience stares at neil young in confusion. neil young exits the stage while giving the crowd the middle finger. he takes a cab to ben nadler’s house. neil young knocks on ben’s door. ben opens the door. ‘what up neal?’ ben says to neil ‘what up ben?’ neil says to ben. ben nadler invites neil young into his home. they have a jam session, smoke some weed, and discuss world issues. neil is happy he ended his concert early so he could hang out with ben. ben wishes neil would’ve called first before he invited himself over

ben nadler is at aka music browsing the record section. ben can’t find what he’s looking for. he approaches an aka music employee and asks them if they have the record he’s looking for. the aka music employee rolls their eyes at ben and says ‘no’. ben goes to a different section of aka music to search for another record. he can’t find it. he asks the same employee if they have this particular record he can’t find. the employee sucks their teeth and says ‘no.’ ben decides to go to one last section to find a record he really wants to buy. he begins to get frustrated because he can’t seem to find what he’s looking for. he feels like he went all the way to aka music in vain. ben swallows his pride and decides to ask the disgruntled employee if this particular record is in stock. the disgruntled employee says ‘no’ aggressively. ben exits aka music. he goes to his bank and withdraws 10 million dollars. ben goes to the home of the owner of aka music and buys the store from him. ben returns to aka music and fires the disgruntled employee. ben hires a new, non disgruntled employee. ben asks his new, nicer employee to order his favorite records

this is a picture of ben nadler. he is skating at fdr skate park. lmao @ you thinking you can skate better than ben nadler